she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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