Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the raccoons are back...
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