Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
