I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
