He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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