Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
