I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
