are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
