a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
