i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
