I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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