How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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