I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
