my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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