Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
