When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
