You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
