my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
