Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
