so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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