hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
