i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
