I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just invented taco cereal.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
