I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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