I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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