you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
