so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
