I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
