I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
