I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
