I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
