my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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