Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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