A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
