i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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