all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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