I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
