What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
