everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
