it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
