"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
