as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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