woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
