Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
