I'm so fucking centered right now
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
