girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
