For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
