We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
