So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
