Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
