Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
