I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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