I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
