He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
