I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
