I just pynch a tree in the face
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
