I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
