Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
