Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
